Death and Life
by SparksJSH
Summary: The Camdens face the end of a life as well as the beginning of another.
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: Ever since the season finale I've been wondering what could be the bad news that Lou and Detective Michaels could be bringing. Part of me was afraid that maybe Sarah had been killed in an accident on her way to Florida to vacation with her parents or that Mary had been in an accident on her way to meet the rest of the Camden family for Ruthie's "non- celebration" dinner. However, I'm now leaning toward other theories that I'm exploring here.  
  
Death and Life By: SparksJSH  
  
Lucy stared at the pregnancy test in her shaking hand. It couldn't be a plus sign. How could she and Kevin be pregnant so soon after getting married? She had promised Kevin that she would finish school but could she do that and be a mother at the same time? A tear ran down her cheek. She brushed it away impatiently. She was supposed to meet her family at the pool hall in just a few minutes. She needed time to let the news sink in for herself before she could even think about letting Kevin and the rest of her family know.  
  
She quickly hid all evidence of the pregnancy test and checked her appearance in the mirror. Funny, she didn't look pregnant, but then she had ignorantly thought that you couldn't get pregnant when you were on the Pill. "Stop thinking about it, Luce." She warned herself.  
  
Leaving the garage apartment, Lucy went first to the minivan, expecting her father to be already there. She frowned when she saw that he wasn't. What could be keeping him? Entering the house, she heard the low voices coming from the living room. Sliding open the door, she was surprised to see Lou from the church and Detective Michaels sitting on once couch. The surprise turned to fear when she saw her father sitting in the chair with his head buried in his hands. The way his body was shaking, he had to be crying.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
Eric stiffened at his daughter's voice. He was still reeling in shock from the news he'd received from Lou and Det. Michaels. How could he tell Lucy? Leaning over, Det. Michaels touched his knee and then stood. "Lucy, come in and have a seat."  
  
She shook her head. If Eric couldn't tell her, the news couldn't be good at all. She took a step backward and looked around. For a moment, her concerns about being pregnant were forgotten and she wanted nothing more than to have Kevin's strong arms around her. "I, um, I have to meet Kevin at the pool hall. He's waiting for me. The whole family is waiting there for both Dad and I. Daddy?"  
  
Eric didn't even look up. Her heart pounding wildly, she took another step backward and then another. When she reached the bottom step, she sat down heavily. The tears she'd brushed aside earlier came back in full force as Detective Michaels sat beside her.  
  
"Lucy."  
  
"No, you are about to tell me someone I loved died. There was an accident, wasn't there? Was it Mom? Kevin? One of my brothers or sisters? No, don't tell me; I don't think I can handle it."  
  
"Lucy." Eric knelt in front of her and took his daughter's hands in his own. There was an accident earlier this evening. A lone driver collided head-on with an eighteen-wheeler. The driver of the truck wasn't hurt but the other driver, someone we know and love, was killed instantly."  
  
Lucy rose. Annie, Ruthie, Simon, and the twins had ridden together in the electric minivan to the pool hall. Matt had ridden with Kevin. The only person that could be riding alone was Mary.  
  
"No, it can't be true. No!" Without waiting for her father to confirm her worst fears, Lucy turned and fled up the stairs. A moment later they heard a door, probably the bathroom, slam shut.  
  
Lou came out of the living room. "I called the pool hall and talked to Kevin. I didn't tell him what had happened but I told him that he needed to bring the family home right away. How did Lucy take the news?"  
  
"She ran off before I could finish telling her. I didn't handle that well at all; how can I tell Annie that her..." He started crying again.  
  
Detective Michaels shook his head. "I'm sorry about this, Reverend. If you want, I can stay and tell her. Maybe it would be easier coming from me."  
  
"It's not going to be easy for her to hear no matter who tells her. I'm her husband; I should be the one to tell her."  
  
Lou nodded. "I know what a hard time this is going to be for your family. If there is anything that I or anyone in the church can do, please don't hesitate to ask."  
  
Eric nodded. His family should be home soon, wondering what would have put an end to the family dinner. He had to pull himself together before they came in. "There is one thing, Chandler should be back from New York some time tonight. I know he was anxious to get home to see Roxanne after visiting with his dad. Could you tell him about this and ask him to take on Sunday's sermon for me? I hate to ask but."  
  
Lou held up his hand to stop the preacher. "Stop Eric. I'll call him and I'm sure he'll be glad to help. Right now you're place is with your family. Everyone at the church will understand."  
  
Detective Michaels shook Eric's hand. "We'll both leave now unless you need us to stay. I'm really sorry to have to be the one to tell you but I didn't want it to come from a stranger."  
  
"I appreciate it, both of you."  
  
"Tell Kevin I'll arrange for someone to take his shift tomorrow. I'm sure he'll want and need to be here with Lucy."  
  
As soon as the two men left, Eric looked heavenward. "God? How am I ever going to be able to tell her? Help me."  
  
"ERIC????" Annie came running in the door. Her fear was evident. Matt and Kevin were right behind her, each carrying one of the twins. Simon and Ruthie were next, also looking worried.  
  
Eric pulled Annie into his embrace and for a moment just held her. Then he looked over his shoulder. "Lucy is upstairs in the bathroom. Kevin, you should go check on her. Matt, can you take the kids into the kitchen for a moment and find something for them to eat. I'll be in a moment."  
  
The kids wanted to protest. They knew that something much be very wrong for Eric to have someone pull them away from the pool hall. But they could tell by the look on their father's face that now was not the time to question him. As soon as it was just Annie and Eric, Annie pulled away.  
  
"Kevin said he didn't know what was going on but that Lou from church called and said we should come right home. I was so scared. Is it your heart? Is it Lucy? What's wrong?"  
  
Kissing her forehead, Eric took a deep steadying breath. "Annie, I have some bad news."  
  
********  
  
Kevin knocked lightly on the bathroom door. He could hear Lucy inside sobbing hysterically. "Luce, it's me, Sweetheart. Open the door. Whatever it is, let me help."  
  
The door opened and Lucy threw herself in his arms. Not sure what she needed from him, Kevin simply held her tightly against his body and rubbed her back. She started mumbling incoherently but the only word that Kevin caught was Mary.  
  
"Honey, you have to calm down a little. What about Mary; did you two have a fight?"  
  
Lucy looked up at him but held tight to his shirt. "Lou and Detective Michaels came by; there was a wreck. Mary is dead and its all my fault."  
  
Kevin was shocked. He knew without Lou saying what was wrong that something serious had happened but he never suspected this. "How?"  
  
"I'm the one who convinced her she had to tell Mom and Dad about getting married. She hit an 18-wheeler on the way to the pool hall. She's dead."  
  
"Mary got married?" Kevin couldn't believe what all he was hearing. He knew he was saying the wrong thing but he didn't know what else to say. He knew that Mary and Lucy were as close and he and Ben and he knew how hard it would be to hear that something had happened to his brother. "Honey, you can't blame yourself. It was an accident."  
  
"I should go downstairs." Lucy allowed her husband to lead her down the stairs. Halfway down, she could hear Annie sobbing, almost screaming. Lucy stopped on the landing and buried her head in Kevin's chest once more and cried.  
  
Just then the front door opened and a familiar figure stepped in. "I thought we were meeting at the pool hall."  
  
"Mary?" Lucy looked from her very much alive sister to her distraught parents then to Kevin. All of the turmoil of the day caught up with her and she swayed slightly before passing out. Kevin caught her before she could hit the floor as he also stared at Mary in surprise.  
  
Mary looked from her parents to her sister with a frown. "What's going on?" 


	2. Chapter 2

Death and Life Chapter 2  
  
"Lucy, honey, wake up." Kevin pressed the cold, wet washcloth against his wife's forehead. Recovering from the shock of seeing that Mary was indeed alive had to take a back seat to taking care of his wife. He had carried her the rest of the way down the stairs to the couch in the living room.  
  
Her eyelids fluttered opened and then stayed open. She sat up slowly and hugged Kevin. "Is it true? Is Mary really alive?"  
  
"Yes, Sweetheart, Mary is okay. She's in the kitchen with your parents and your brothers and sister. Honey, I didn't get the full story cause I was taking care of you but it wasn't Mary who had the accident."  
  
"Then who?"  
  
Kevin took a deep breath and kissed the top of her head. "It was your mom's father."  
  
Lucy paled again and for a moment Kevin was afraid she was going to pass out again. Instead she began to cry again, burying her head in Kevin's chest. "But Dad said it was a lone driver. Grandpa had to stop driving a couple of months ago because of the Alzheimer's."  
  
"He wasn't supposed to be driving." Eric joined them on the couch and took her hand in his own. "Luce, from what Detective Michaels told me, your grandfather took the car keys when Ginger wasn't looking and slipped out of the house. She thought he was upstairs taking a nap when a Highway Patrolman came to the door to tell her about the accident. Lucy, I'm so sorry you thought it was Mary. I didn't even think about you thinking it was her. I didn't handle this well at all. I'm so sorry."  
  
Leaning over Kevin, Lucy hugged her father. "How is Mom?"  
  
Eric suddenly looked ten years older. "Not too good. We knew that the Alzheimer's was taking a toll on him from when he was here for your wedding. We figured it was just a matter of time before we and Ginger would have to discuss putting him in a home or getting her help watching him. We just never expected this."  
  
"I should go to her." Lucy started to get up but Kevin stopped her, worry in his eyes.  
  
"Are you sure you are okay? I know seeing Mary was a shock considering what you thought but you did pass out."  
  
Unconsciously, Lucy caressed her stomach. How could she tell Kevin about the life growing inside her while they were dealing with the loss of another? She nodded slowly. "I didn't eat much today; that probably had something to do with it. I'm okay, really."  
  
Kevin studied her carefully and then helped her up. Before letting her go to the kitchen, Kevin hugged her tightly and kissed her lips. Lucy let herself melt against him for just a moment. "I love you." He whispered in her ear.  
  
"I love you too." She thought about how she'd treated him all day as she worried about whether or not she was pregnant. She felt bad about it. "I'm sorry I was so awful to you today."  
  
Kevin kissed her again. He didn't know what had been bothering his bride all day but he knew she'd tell him when she was ready. "It's not important."  
  
The three entered the kitchen. Matt was holding Annie as she cried. Mary was sitting at the table between Simon and Ruthie, one handing resting comfortingly on each of their backs. Only Sam and David, too young to understand exactly what was going on, were not crying.  
  
"Mom."  
  
At Lucy's tearful call, Annie pulled away from her oldest son and opened her arms, beckoning her middle daughter. The two women hugged. After several minutes, Annie pulled away and looked at Lucy. "Are you okay?"  
  
Lucy nodded. "Mom, I'm so sorry."  
  
Annie nodded. "I know." She looked around at everyone in the kitchen. It was evident that she was struggling to pull herself together for their benefit. "I should go upstairs and call Ginger. She'll need my help making the arrangements for bringing my dad here for."  
  
Unable to bring herself to say the word burial, Annie fled up the stairs. Eric hung his head for a moment before looking at the kids. "I know you all know as hard as this is for you, how much more so it is for your mom. She'll be okay though. She's strong. Mary, can you stay here tonight? I think she needs everyone close."  
  
Mary nodded. "Of course. I'll take the twins upstairs and get them ready for bed."  
  
Eric nodded. "Thanks. Ruthie, I'm sorry this interrupted your special night."  
  
Ruthie teared up with fresh tears. "If this is what being a woman feels like, I think I want to go back to being a kid." She took off up the stairs as well.  
  
Simon wiped his eyes. "I'll take care of Ruthie." "I'll come up with you; I need to check on your mom." Eric hugged Lucy, Kevin and Matt before going up the stairs with Simon.  
  
"You okay Luce?" Matt's brotherly eyes studied her carefully. Lucy nodded and leaned heavily against her husband.  
  
"I'm fine. I think I just want to go on to bed though."  
  
Kevin nodded. "That's probably a good idea. I'll come up with you."  
  
The newlyweds headed out the back door on their way up to the garage apartment. Alone in the kitchen, Matt looked around his childhood home for just a moment and then picked up the phone. Checking to make sure no one was using it, Matt punched in a familiar number. After a couple of rings a sleepy voice answered. The simple word of greeting soothed him before he spoke.  
  
"Hey baby, I've been trying to reach you all day. I love you."  
  
He could almost see Sarah smiling into the phone. "I got your message but only after getting waylaid by my dad. It's okay and I love you too."  
  
He gently gave her the news about his grandfather. Then he added. "I wish you were in my arms right now."  
  
"Me too." She agreed quietly. "I'll check with the airport and get the first flight out there."  
  
"You don't have to." Matt assured her.  
  
"Yes I do. Give your family my love. I'll call you back when I find out about my flight. I love you." Sarah's quiet voice was like a balm to his hurting soul. He drank in her voice.  
  
"Love you too. Be careful."  
  
***********  
  
Kevin watched Lucy sleep. As soon as they came back up to the apartment, Lucy had crawled into bed without saying much and almost instantly fell into a troubled sleep. Kevin had lain down next to her and held her close until he sensed she was at last sleeping peacefully. He didn't want to leave her side but really needed to go to the bathroom. Kissing her cheek, he eased out of bed.  
  
He flushed the toilet hoping the sound wouldn't wake Lucy. Just as he was about to leave, he noticed the cabinet under the sink wasn't closed completely; something had caught. He frowned. That was odd; Lucy was usually a meticulous housekeeper. Opening the door, he was stunned to see it was a home pregnancy test box. He sat down heavily on the edge of the bathtub, staring at the box. Could Lucy be pregnant? He shifted through the contents of the garbage can until he found the tell-tale stick. His heart skipped a beat. A plus sign. He and Lucy were going to have a baby. He looked back toward the bed where his wife was still asleep. Under any other circumstance, he would wake her up so they could discuss this new development in their lives. Instead, he carefully returned everything to the garbage can. He would wait until Lucy was ready to tell him about the baby.  
  
He returned to bed and wrapped his arms around his wife. He rested one hand on her stomach and grinned. That was his baby growing there.  
  
******  
  
Annie scrubbed the kitchen counter. She had cried the last of her tears somewhere around two in the morning when sleep fitfully overtook her. Now she wished she still had tears left to cry, anything to replace the deep pit of despair she felt all the way down to her very bones. Her mood had grown darker and darker as the day wore on until she finally pleaded with Matt and Mary to take the younger kids out of the house for a few hours.  
  
Eric had hovered over her so much she finally yelled at him to leave her alone. Reluctantly he had done as she requested but she knew that he was still nearby, hovering in another room instead. On a rational level, she loved him for his concern; she just wasn't able to handle it right then.  
  
She heard the doorbell ring and groaned. By now, Lou had probably let the whole congregation know about her dad. Well meaning parishioners had been dropping by all afternoon but Eric or the kids had been graciously turning the away, saying Annie wasn't up for visitors. Of course she wasn't up for visitors; her father was dead. She may never be up for visitors again.  
  
"Hello Annie." Ginger stood in the kitchen doorway, looking very old and solemn. She opened her arms to embrace the younger woman. Suddenly the dark pit of despair in Annie turned pitch black in anger.  
  
Throwing aside the sponge she'd been using to clean with, Annie crossed the room and slapped Ginger hard across the cheek. "How could you? It's your fault Daddy is dead. You killed him."  
  
Author's Note: I read recently that Graham Jarvis who played Charles Jackson died not long after the filming of the episode of Lucy's wedding. I figure if this is not where the show goes with it's ending, it will eventually next season have to write in his death. 


	3. Chapter 3

Death and Life Chapter 3  
  
Eric rushed into the kitchen behind Ginger. Taking Annie in his arms, he pulled her away from his wife's stepmother and held her tight. He had been afraid this explosion was coming all day; he just wished she hadn't taken it out on Ginger. "Annie, that's not fair. Ginger did not kill your father. It was an accident."  
  
"She was supposed to watch him. He's not supposed to drive. How did he get the keys?"  
  
Ginger lowered her head. "Annie, honey, I don't blame you for blaming me. I should have kept a better eye on your father. I knew he was upset but I never thought he'd do something so desperate."  
  
Annie's face went blank. "What do you mean desperate? You make it sound like Dad hit the truck on purpose."  
  
Ginger took a moment to wipe her eyes. "Maybe we should sit down."  
  
Eric nodded and led Annie over to the kitchen table. He sat down next to Annie across from where Ginger had sat. For a few moments Ginger said nothing, obviously trying to find the words to say. At long last, with tears in her eyes, she faced Annie.  
  
"The police believe that Charles simply forgot he wasn't supposed to drive and took the car and forgot what he was doing. I didn't see any reason to contradict them. But, Honey, you and I both know that your father hadn't gotten that bad yet. I think he knew exactly what he was doing yesterday when he took the car."  
  
Annie's eyes narrowed. "So you are saying Dad hit the truck on purpose. How could you? Why?"  
  
Ginger sighed. "A couple of months ago, Charles started taking out a photo album. He would sit down with me in the morning and go through the album picture by picture telling me exactly what was happening in the picture. He said he knew there would come a day that he wouldn't remember those pictures any more and he wanted me to know the stories so well that I could tell them to him when he forgot. One of the doctors he was seeing recommended it."  
  
Annie nodded. "He called me and asked that I send him pictures of all the kids so he could add them to the album. But that still doesn't."  
  
"The day before yesterday, he was going through the pictures when he came to the one of his wedding to your mother. He pointed to himself and said that he knew that that man was him but then he pointed to the picture of your mother and said he had no idea who she was. I had to tell him who Jenny was. He broke down in tears; he was so upset that he hadn't recognized her. I tried to calm him down. I reminded him that the doctor had told him there would be days that his memory would be worse than others. I showed him all the pictures he had gotten right that day but he was still upset. He wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day. But by that evening, he went for the album again and got all the pictures right without any prompting. He lingered over the wedding picture for several minutes. I thought everything was okay. I was wrong and for that I'll take all the blame you want to give me."  
  
"He forgot Mom?" Annie leaned wearily on Eric's shoulder. "No, you're lying. He could never forget Mom. He loved her too much. And you are wrong about him purposefully hurting himself. He'd never do that, not to himself and not to me."  
  
"Annie."  
  
"Get out! I don't want you spreading these lies to the kids or to anyone else. They just lost their grandfather; they don't need to hear these wild accusations."  
  
Ginger stood. She placed an envelope on the table in front of Annie. "I found this as I was packing to come out her. Your father wrote it yesterday morning." As she turned to leave, Eric rose to see her out. She put her hand on his arm, stopping him. "Stay with Annie, Eric. She needs you. I'm sorry to drop this on her so soon after she found out about Charles but I thought she deserved to know the truth."  
  
"It's not the truth. It's a vicious rumor you are trying to spread about a decent and loving man. Please Ginger. Leave me and my family alone. You've done enough." Annie turned her back on her stepmother.  
  
*******  
  
"Do you want me to get you anything from the kitchen?" Kevin hovered protectively over his wife. He was worried about her. He hadn't had the heart to bring up the baby because she seemed to be having such a difficult time dealing with the news of her grandfather's death. All night long, she had tossed and turned with dreams. All morning she'd spent looking through old picture albums and crying.  
  
Lucy shook her head. Her stomach had been turning flips and threatening to expel its contents all day long. She wasn't sure if was because of the pregnancy or her grief but regardless she didn't want to put anything on her stomach to make things worse. Her eyes filled with fresh tears. Kevin had been so great to her all day. He deserved to know the truth but she couldn't bring herself to tell him. Voicing the fact that she was pregnant would mean they would have to face the problems that would come with having a baby so soon. Besides, Ginger was due to arrive at any time and the family would have to talk about the funeral arrangements.  
  
"You haven't eaten anything all day. I don't want you passing out again." He wasn't all that hungry either and didn't want to leave her alone but he also knew he needed some time to himself. If he wasn't going to tell her he knew that she was pregnant, he needed a few moments to himself to really contemplate how their lives were about to change. At first he'd been so happy about the idea that he was going to be a father but as the night wore on the reality of the situation started to dawn on him. With his salary, could they afford to have a child? These were things he needed to think about if they weren't going to talk about it. "How about a compromise. I'll go get me something and then I'll bring you back a small bowl of soup or something easy."  
  
Lucy nodded absently. She turned the page in the album. She pointed to a picture of an older couple sitting on a couch with a little girl who appeared to be about three years old. Fresh tears filled her eyes. "Grandpa set up the timer on the camera and took this picture me with Grandma, he, and me. They were staying with us when Mom had Simon. I was upset, nothing new for me, about a new baby coming into the house."  
  
Kevin took the album away from her and closed it. Kneeling beside her, he gently pulled her into his arms. He gave her a few minutes to cry her tears and then he kissed her gently. "You need to come with me. You are going to make yourself sick if you keep looking at pictures and staying upset. I imagine Ginger or maybe even Sarah has arrived by now."  
  
Finally Lucy nodded. She allowed Kevin to help her to her feet. A hard cramp gripped her stomach all of a sudden. It was all she could do not to let out a cry of pain. Even at that, Kevin looked at her in concern as a grimace of pain passed over her face. "You okay, Luce?"  
  
She nodded. "I'm just going to go to the bathroom before we go over to the house. You go on and go over. I'll be right behind you."  
  
Looking reluctant, Kevin finally nodded and kissed her. "If you aren't over there in ten minutes, I'm coming back for you."  
  
Smiling through the pain, Lucy nodded. "I'll be there. I love you."  
  
"Love you too."  
  
As soon as she was alone, Lucy went into the bathroom. She was surprised to see a small amount of blood on her panties. Had the pregnancy test been wrong? She was a little relieved to think she might not be pregnant after all. She and Kevin weren't ready for a baby yet. Feeling better now that it seemed that it had been a false scare, Lucy didn't even think about the fact that she never had such hard cramps or bled so heavily at the start of her period.  
  
She finished up in the bathroom and left the garage apartment. She knew that Kevin would be coming to look for her if she took much longer. Entering the kitchen, it was immediately evident that something had happened. She hadn't felt tension that thick since her mom had gotten mad at the kids for staging a coup when Mary came home. Kevin was standing next to the refrigerator, silently drinking a glass of milk. Her mom and dad were sitting at the kitchen table. Annie was holding an envelope in her hand but it was unopened.  
  
"What's wrong?" Lucy joined Kevin by the refrigerator.  
  
"Nothing." Annie insisted curtly. Her very voice gave lie to her words but her tone left no room for argument. She stood abruptly, leaving the envelope on the table. "I'm going upstairs to lie down for a little while."  
  
As Annie headed up the stairs, Lucy bit her lip. No one said anything for a couple of minutes, giving time for the "tunnel of sound," as Annie had once called the stairs, to clear. Then Lucy looked at Eric. "Mom's not okay. What happened?"  
  
Eric sighed. "Ginger came by. She had some things to say that your Mom wasn't ready to hear. I can't imagine how hard this on her. While she wasn't ready for your grandmother's death, she had at least begun to prepare for it."  
  
Lucy nodded. "I'm going to go up and check on her." Almost halfway to the stairs, another cramp hit her, forcing her to double over in pain. This time she couldn't stop the cry of pain.  
  
Kevin was at her side in an instant. He and Eric led Lucy to a chair at the table. "Lucy, is it the baby?"  
  
"Baby?" Eric looked from Kevin to Lucy in shock.  
  
Lucy looked at her husband, equally shocked. "I'm not pregnant. I started my period. It was a false alarm. The test I took must have been wrong."  
  
Eric shook his head. "You took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Now you are bleeding and having cramps. Kevin, we need to get her to the hospital. I think she may be having a miscarriage. You take her to the emergency room. I'll call Hank and have him meet you there and Annie and I will follow."  
  
Looking pale, Kevin quickly scooped Lucy up in his arms before she could protest. Eric waited until they were gone before picking up the phone and calling his brother-in-law. He quickly explained what was going on then headed upstairs to his and Annie's bedroom. She was lying on the bed but wasn't asleep. Eric leaned heavily on the door.  
  
"Annie, we have another problem." 


	4. Chapter 4

Death and Life Chapter 4  
  
Dr. Hank Hastings stepped out into the waiting room. Annie and Eric stood; their faces reflecting their fear for their daughter's health. Hank motioned for them to sit and then sat down opposite them. "Lucy is going to be fine. However, it's still touch and go with the baby."  
  
Annie looked up at Eric, confused. "We didn't even know that Lucy was pregnant. Did she even know?"  
  
Hank nodded. "She hadn't had it confirmed with a doctor but she had taken a home pregnancy test yesterday. With everything going on, she probably thought it would be too much on all of you. She's only a month along. We've got Lucy on a fetal monitor. I examined her and did an ultrasound. Fortunately, right now, Lucy is facing what we call a threatened spontaneous abortion. That means that while the baby is not out of danger, a miscarriage is not a definite probability. With bed rest, the bleeding and the cramps might stop and she'll carry the baby to term. The next few hours will tell us."  
  
Eric held Annie close. "Can we see her?"  
  
Hank shook his head. "Kevin's with her and tonight she needs complete rest. I know you wouldn't mean to upset her but she'll see your worry and she'll feel bad for adding to the stress you are already under. The best thing you can do for Lucy right now is go home and get some rest."  
  
************  
  
Lucy stared at the monitor beside her bed and listened to the light whoosh that told her that for the time being her baby was okay. Tears silently fell down her cheeks. Kevin stepped into the room and pulled a chair close to her. He caressed her cheek. "It'll be okay, Luce."  
  
"How did you know that I was pregnant?" She barely whispered, not wanting the sound of her voice to cover up the sound of the fetal heartbeat.  
  
Kevin smiled. "I found the pregnancy test last night. You were so upset about your grandfather, I wanted to give you some time."  
  
"I was scared to be pregnant. We just got married; I have school; we aren't ready to have a family. But now I'm scared not to be pregnant. I don't want to lose this baby."  
  
"Hank said that if you stay calm and in bed you may not miscarry. We have to trust that everything is going to be okay. Can I get you anything?"  
  
Lucy shook her head. "I wish you could hold me right now."  
  
Kevin nodded. Without a word, he stood and walked around the bed to the side free of medical monitors. Lowering the bedrail, he eased into the bed with her and gently wrapped his arms around her. He was careful not to disturb the fetal monitor attached to her abdomen. Instantly he felt her relax ever so slightly. He kissed her cheek. "Go to sleep. I'm right here."  
  
Obediently Lucy closed her eyes and after several minutes he felt her body relax as sleep overtook her. But Kevin continued to just lie there and watch her as she slept. Now that she couldn't see him, he allowed his own tears to fall. He began to pray silently.  
  
"God, take care of my wife and our baby. I don't know what kind of father I'll be but if you think we're ready for this then I'll do the best I can. Lord, I don't think you'd give us this child just to snatch it away from us so soon after we found out. If this is some sort of test, help us pass it."  
  
********  
  
Somewhere around two in the morning, Kevin woke up when Lucy gripped his arm, digging her fingernails into his skin. In the pale light of the hospital room, he could see that she was crying again. "Luce, what's wrong, Baby?"  
  
"The monitor, there's no heartbeat. I can't hear the baby's heartbeat anymore. I think I've lost the baby."  
  
Kevin sat up and glanced at the fetal monitor. He hadn't even been aware that the soft whoosh that signaled the baby's heartbeat had stopped. His own heartbeat quickened. Kissing the top of her head, he reached over and pressed the nurse call button. A few minutes later an older nurse entered.  
  
"Can I help you?"  
  
Lucy was crying so hard by now she couldn't speak. Kevin quickly explained about the heart monitor. The nurse smiled understandingly. She did a quick exam and then checked the monitor. Finally she patted Lucy's arm.  
  
"First of all, you have to calm down. Getting this upset is not good for you or the baby. Your bleeding seems to have stopped. How are your cramps?"  
  
Taking a few deep breaths, Lucy tried to get control of her emotions enough to speak. "They're better. Please, is my baby okay?"  
  
"I think so. If you had miscarried, you'd still be bleeding and in pain. I think what probably happened is that the baby shifted just enough that the monitor could no longer register the heartbeat. It's not unusual. The baby is very small right now and has to be in just the right position for this monitor to pick up. We'll know more in the morning when Dr. Hastings examines you again. For now, I'm going to unhook the monitor. I don't want you to get so upset about not hearing the heartbeat that you raise your blood pressure and put the baby at risk. Relax and go back to sleep. It's the best thing for both of you."  
  
When the nurse left the room, Lucy began crying again, hot, scared tears. Kevin held her close and kissed her cheek. Lucy gripped his hand tightly with one hand and splayed her other hand across her abdomen. Her heart ached for the absence of the already familiar heartbeat of the baby inside her.  
  
"I don't want to lose this baby, Kevin. I'm sorry I ever had any doubts about having a baby right now. I wasn't sure if I-- if we were ready yet but I never wanted it to die."  
  
"It's not, Baby. You and I are going to be parents - good parents. Maybe this is God's way of kicking us in the pants to tell us that this baby may not have been our plan but it's His plan and ready or not we are going to have it."  
  
Lucy hiccupped. "If that's so, how do we convince him we get the point?"  
  
Kevin traced the outline of his wife's cheek. "Maybe we should pick out a name. I know it's a little early for it and we have no way of knowing if it will be a boy or a girl but maybe if we decide on a name we'll be telling our child - and God - we are committed to it."  
  
"But what if we." Lucy twisted in the bed to face him. Kevin placed a finger over her lips, silencing her.  
  
"We aren't. I was thinking earlier while you were asleep and if it's okay with you I have a couple of suggestions." Lucy nodded and blinked back the tears. Before saying anything more, Kevin kissed her softly. "My father's name was Jack. I always kind of assumed that I would name my first son after him. If it's a boy, how does Jackson Charles sound?"  
  
Lucy smiled. "Named for your dad and my grandfather, I like that. It's perfect. I love you, Kevin Kinkirk."  
  
He smiled. "I love you too, Lucy Kinkirk."  
  
She snuggled up closer to him. "What if it's a girl?"  
  
"I've thought of that as well. If we have a little girl, I want her to be loving and compassionate but be strong and independent at the same time. From what I know about your grandma Ruth and have heard about your grandma Jenny, I think both women have those qualities. How about Jennifer Ruth if it's a girl?"  
  
"You are the perfect husband, Kevin."  
  
"Not really but I try. Now, do what the nurse said and go back to sleep. Baby J needs the rest."  
  
Lucy smiled. "Baby J?"  
  
Kevin matched her smile. "Sure. We have many months before we know if you are carrying Jack or Jenny. I don't want to call the baby It until then. Baby J or B.J. seems like the perfect compromise."  
  
Lucy patted her flat stomach. If she didn't lose the baby, she would never complain about gaining even an ounce. "Stay with us, B.J." 


	5. Chapter 5

Death and Life Chapter 5  
  
"Thanks for letting us know. Yes, we'll be ready when they get here." Eric hung up the phone. Annie watched him from where she sat at the table, her expression one of concern. The twins were sitting next to her eating their breakfast. Eric smiled. "That was Hank. He's releasing Lucy this morning. So far she and the baby are fine. He is putting her on complete bed rest for a couple of days but he thinks she's over the worst."  
  
Tears filled Annie's eyes. "Thank God. I don't think our family could take much more. I'll go up to the apartment after the twins finish breakfast and make sure everything is okay up there before they get home. Or maybe they should stay here in the house."  
  
Eric sat down opposite her and took her hand in his. "I think they would be more comfortable in the apartment. The house will be full of people this afternoon after the funeral and Lucy wouldn't be able to get any rest. I guess you and I are going to be grandparents after all."  
  
Annie nodded. "I want to be excited about the baby but to be honest."  
  
"Right now, you are still reeling from the death of your father. Annie, have you read his letter yet?"  
  
She shook her head. "I can't."  
  
"Because you are afraid Ginger might be right?"  
  
Annie jerked her hand away. "She's not right. Dad would never do what she's accused him of. She's not coming to his funeral, either. I don't want her there."  
  
"You can't stop her from coming to her husband's funeral. I think you should read the letter. If nothing else, it's your father's last words to you."  
  
Narrowing her eyes, Annie watched him carefully. "You believe her, don't you?"  
  
Eric shrugged. "I didn't say that. I'm going to go upstairs and let the others know about Lucy."  
  
As soon as Eric left the room, Annie picked up her father's hand and looked at it. Sam put down his spoon. "Are you going to read it, Mommy?"  
  
"Yeah, read it." David echoed.  
  
For a moment she considered opening it but then she set it back down. "Come on, let's go get the apartment ready for your sister."  
  
*******  
  
"I'm not going and that's final."  
  
Lucy crossed her arms across her chest and stared at her husband with a frown on her face. She'd been home for a couple of hours and had obediently stayed in bed. Her parents, brothers, and sisters had been in and out since she arrived. By tacit agreement, she and Kevin had decided not to mention the names they had picked out in the wee hours of morning.  
  
"Please. It's bad enough that I can't go to my grandfather's funeral; I want you there. I promise I'll stay in bed the whole time. I won't even get up to go to the bathroom until you get back. Mom needs you there more than I need you here."  
  
Kevin sighed. He knew he was fighting a losing battle. "Okay, I'll go. I'm going to keep my cell phone on vibrate though and I want you to call me if you have any problems at all. Promise me."  
  
Lucy kissed him. "I promise. I don't want to take any chances with B.J. We'll lie here in bed and read or listen to music. Now go get changed before the family leaves without you."  
  
Once he had changed into his suit, he sat on the bed next to Lucy. "I'm going to ask one more time because I'm worried about leaving you alone. Are you sure you are going to be okay?"  
  
Lucy nodded. "Uncle Hank wouldn't have released me if it wasn't safe. I know I have to stay in bed and take it easy and I'm going to do that but I don't need you holding my hand every moment. Not that I mind holding your hand, understand. If it was anything other than the funeral I would want you here."  
  
Kevin nodded. "Okay. I love you and I'll be back as soon as I can." Leaning down, Kevin kissed her stomach. "I love you too, B.J."  
  
Lucy couldn't help but smile as her husband left the apartment. Was it really such a short time ago that the thought of having this baby had filled her with dread? Seeing how naturally Kevin had taken to the idea of becoming a father made her realize how foolish she'd been. She splayed her hand across her stomach and wished she could still hear the baby's heartbeat. Knowing that for the moment her baby was safe, Lucy allowed herself to drift off to sleep.  
  
She wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep when there was a knock on the door. Lucy sat up and blinked back the sleep from her eyes. "Come in."  
  
She was surprised when Ginger entered the apartment. "Hi Ginger. Is the funeral over all ready?"  
  
The older woman shook her head. "No. I thought today would be easier on your mother if I stayed away. I know how hard this is for her. I heard about you and the baby. How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm better now that it looks like the baby is okay. Ginger, I don't understand. Grandpa was your husband; how can you not say goodbye to him?"  
  
Ginger sat on the edge of Lucy's bed and squeezed the younger girl's hand. "I can say goodbye to Charles without going to the funeral. Sometimes what we might want to do is not as important as what is right for someone we care about. I know you probably wanted to be at the funeral just as much as I did but you stayed home because it was the best thing for your baby. I stayed away because that was the best thing for your mother. I loved your grandfather, Lucy. I will feel his loss for a long time but I know that he is in a much better place. He's back with Jenny and together they are going to watch out for you and your baby."  
  
Caressing her stomach tenderly, Lucy suddenly teared up and began to cry. Her own eyes wet with tears, Ginger hugged the younger woman. She held her until at long last Lucy hiccupped and pulled away. Embarrassed, Lucy wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry, I guess I'm a little over emotional right now. So much has happened in such a little time. Ginger, I know you promised Mom never to try to take Grandma's place in our lives and you never have but even still I hope that you'll still feel like a part of our family."  
  
Ginger smiled. "Try to keep me away. I knew I could never take your grandmother's place any more than your grandfather could take my first husband's place in my kids' lives but that never stopped me from loving all of you as my own."  
  
**********  
  
Annie closed the bedroom door behind her. The funeral had been hard, perhaps even harder than her mother's funeral had been. Downstairs, the house was full of well-meaning parishioners and friends offering their condolences. Feeling her composure ebbing away minute by minute, she'd finally excused herself to escape to the sanctity of her bedroom. Eric had given her a worried look but had left her alone. She appreciated the fact that he seemed to realize she needed the moment alone.  
  
Lying on her bed, she began to sob in earnest. She couldn't believe her father was dead. Even at her age, she felt like an orphan now that both her parents were gone. She knew it was an irrational feeling. She was a grown woman with a husband and seven kids and was still reeling from the news that soon she would be a grandmother as well. But even all that didn't take away the profound sense of loss she was currently feeling.  
  
Reaching for a tissue, she was surprised to see the envelope carrying the letter from her father on her bedside. She had forgotten she had put it there before getting ready for the funeral. Not wanting to read it but wanting a fresh connection to her father, she sat up and opened the envelope. It contained a single sheet of paper. Taking a shaky breath, she read her father's final words to her.  
  
Dearest Annie,  
  
Today I did something I never thought would be possible; I forgot who your mother was. I knew that this disease would be horrible and that I would ultimately lose my memories of everyone I held dear. Somehow though, I think I believed that the memories of my life with Jenny would be too sacred, too important for me to ever forget. I can live with not remembering where I put my house keys or if I like broccoli with or without cheese but I can't stand the thought of forgetting the most important person to ever enter my life. Don't get me wrong, Annie; I love Ginger and I'll forever be grateful that she came into my life. She has made these last couple of years livable and worthwhile but she could never completely take Jenny's place in my heart. Not that she ever tried, mind you. I would rather be with her in Heaven with my memories intact that alive on Earth locked in a pitiful state of forgetfulness. If I go today or next week, know that I love you, Eric and the kids. I'm glad I was able to see Lucy walk down the aisle to the man she loves. I hope she and Kevin will know all the love in their lives that I had with Jenny. I love you Kiddo but I'm ready to dance in your mother's arms once more.  
  
Love you,  
  
Daddy  
  
**************  
  
Eric found Annie a couple of hours later still clutching the letter and crying. He held her in his arms and read the letter she offered him to read. Once he was finished, he was crying as well. Finally Annie pulled away.  
  
"He never said he was going to end his own life; only that he was ready to die."  
  
Eric nodded. "I know. I understand how he feels. I couldn't imagine not being able to remember who you are or all the wonderful times we've shared together. You make up all the best parts of my life; I don't know how I could live without you. But if God forbid I had to, I would rely on those memories to see me through."  
  
"I feel the same way. I guess we'll never know exactly what happened on that road but at least now I know for sure that Dad was prepared for the moment and maybe even embraced it a little. Even if I wasn't ready for this moment, he was and I have to accept that."  
  
"I love you." Eric kissed Annie tenderly and then hugged her again.  
  
"I love you too. I owe Ginger an apology; I acted so hateful to her."  
  
"Later, for now, let's just hold each other for a little while and be glad we can."  
  
Annie nodded and melted against her husband. And for a moment, just a moment, that moment was all that mattered to either of them.  
  
THE END 


End file.
